Minish Cap:Deleted Dialougues PHOENIX EDITION
by Numdenu
Summary: CHAPTER 13 UP! Another update, huzzah! Blame a Kratosiroth and jump on in, today's chapter has some guards and a Vaati.... RATED FOR SWEARING.
1. The Chattering Hat of DOOM

A fanfiction thought lost to all time…will rise again, like a phoenix from the ashes of the old…to draw reviewers once again, like moths to a flame….

Link: Cut the crap already! I wanna kick ass!

Num: Oh, quit it! Just be glad I'm writing this again!

Link: …You are calling me Link, my actual name, instead of "Chibi" or "CL" as you normally do.

Num: Well, this is your story….

Link: Right! Ahem… Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Minish Cap: Deleted Dialogues PHOENIX EDITION! Why Phoenix Edition? Well, this was originally written in script format, against the will of the tyrants of FF-dot-net. Num named it Phoenix Edition because she says it's like a phoenix rising from the ashes of old. In this new version, chapters will be longer (she's combining chapters), and bits of original material will be inserted along the way.

Random Villager: Numdenu owns nothing.

---CHAPTER 1: THE CHATTERING HAT OF DOOM---

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_A long time ago…_

"Uhnnn…wha? Date please?"

_When the world was on the verge of being swallowed by shadow…_

"Sounds like a fairy tale…."

_The tiny Picori descended from the sky, bringing the hero of men a sword and a golden light._

"That's improbable."

_With the sword, the light, and his wisdom and courage, the hero drove out the darkness, restoring light to the land._

"Hey, that guy looks like me…HEY!"

The people then enshrined the blade with care.

"That's…it? What…zzzzzzz…."

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A young girl, her hair flowing freely behind her, ascended the steps up to a snug little cottage. She crept in the door, and snuck up behind a man at an anvil, hammering out a sword.

"HIIIIIII SMITH!" The girl cheerfully screeched, sticking her face between him and his work.

The man jumped back with a start. "AAAAAH! DEMON NOBLE GIRL! RUN FOR THE-Saaaaaaay, you look just like Princess Zelda!" Crickets chirped. "Oh, wait, you ARE Zelda aren't you?"

"No, I'm Link," Zelda muttered sarcastically. She shouldn't have done that.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! THE APOCALYPSE! LINK IS CROSS DRESSING! I WAS GONNA WAKE HIM UP LATER, SON OF A BITCH!"

Zelda recoiled in shock. "It's just sarcasm, Smith! I really am Zelda! Geez!"

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"Apocalypse…Link…wake up…son of a bitch!" filtered through upstairs to where our story's hero was peacefully snoozing until awakened by his grandfather squawking like a headless cucoo. Groggily, he reached out and attempted to grab a grubby brown shirt from the nightstand.

"Liiiiiiink!" Zelda's "angelic" voice called up. "C'mon Link! Today's the Picori Festival!" Link shot up, tossing aside the grubby shirt and equipping nicer garb: his traditional green tunic. Doing absolutely nothing with his hair (it was solid), he headed down the stairs.

"Coming Zel-AAAAAAUUUUGHH!" And poor little Link tumbled down the stairs, bowling straight into the door. "I'm…here now…."

"Ok great let's go!" Zelda smiled cheerfully, and Link could feel a blush starting to come on…(hint hint).

As the two friends left for the festival, something sharp hit Link in the back of the head, causing him to fall flat on his face. Zelda was right in front of him, so it created a neat little domino effect.

"Owwww! What the hell was that for!"

"Something hit me upside the head! Ugh…" Link clambered up and looked at the object that had struck him.

It was a sword.

A sword with a note attached to it. The note read "Take to castle," plain and simple.

"Errrr…" Link slung the sword over his shoulder and continued to follow Zelda.

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"Hey, Link?"

"Yeah, Zel?"

"I…didn't have the heart to tell you before, but…."

Link's heart fluttered. This sounded suspiciously like a fluff scene….

"…But you stink like a pig," Zelda finished. Link's fantasies came crashing down on top of him. "What the hell are all those glass shards on top of you?"

"My fantasies," groaned Link.

"Well, anyways, we should…OH! LOOKIE!" Zelda scampered off to a booth where the vendor was selling various video games. "Super Smash Brothers Brawl! YES!"

Link sighed in relief. "Thank the Goddesses for curiosity."

"You're welcome," said Nayru, Farore, and Din. Before Link could utter another sound, they were gone on the breeze, leaving him gaping at where they were mere milliseconds before. His fantasies started to stir around him until they fell again to a bell ringing.

"WE HAVE A WINNER!" shouted the lady at the lotto booth. "Princess Zelda, pick your prize!"

Link perked up and pushed his way to the front of the mob assembled there, just in time to hear her say, "The shield, ma'am," above the roar of the crowd.

Link was now right behind Zelda, so he startled her when she turned around. Then the princess smiled sweetly. "Here, Link! Won't you look adorable with this shield?"

Link looked around. The whole town was watching. Slowly, he took the teeny tiny pitiful excuse for a shield. "Well…uhhhh…Zel, we should go to the castle now, right?"

Zelda grinned. "Alright, we'll go. NUM, SKIP US AHEAD A LITTLE!"

Link's jaw dropped. "Hey wait, wha-?"

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"THE AWARD CEREMONY WILL NOW COMMENCE!" exclaimed Potho. "VAATI, YOU MAY APPROACH THE SALAMI!" Potho was then KO'ed.

"He means the sword," assured King Daltus.

So yadda yadda yadda. Vaati walked up to the sword…then faced the camera and started laughing evilly.

"Mwahahahahahahaha! Within this chest is the force I seek, and with it, MY ARMY OF PARAKEETS WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE!" With that line, Vaati flung open the lid of the chest which moronically had a sacred sword stuck in it. Because of this, said sword broke like glass…or Link's fantasies. Whichever you prefer.

Everyone either died, got KO'ed, ran for their lives, or in Zelda's special case, got turned to stone. Yes, I'm skipping this friggin' scene. It's lame anyway. Well, a rabble of monsters came out an' stuff, Link gets KO'ed trying to be heroic, Zelda is turned to stone, and then Vaati gets angry because monsters were all that was in the chest. He said he would sue the Authoress, but she blamed Nintendo. So Vaati left to do just that, much to the dismay of Silver Ferret, who is a Vaati fangirl.

And then the Authoress skipped ahead again….

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"Hunh?" Link rubbed his sore bosom as he stood and realized he was in a forest. There was a note beside him, stating that to save Zelda he would need to get four elements and don a talking hat. The note was signed with one letter: "N."

This confused our little hero to no end, so he just wandered around in the fog of Minish Woods. There was an interesting rock…and there it is again…and again….

"HELP! I AM IN PAIN!"

Link ran towards the yell to see…a hat with a beak. For some reason, Link liked to see people in pain, so he took a snapshot before saving the thing, which introduced itself as Ezlo.

"Now stand on that stump, Rinku."

"My name is LINK!"

"Well, now you're a tiny Link." Link looked around and, sure enough, he was tiny. The hat continued chirping on like a tour guide: "Welcome to the world of the Minish!"

"Minish? What are those? Some kind of snack bar?"

"No, you call them 'Picori.'"

"So a Picori is really a snack bar?" This comment earned Link a peck on the head. "HEY! How in Termina did you get up there?"

They both said nothing, resulting in an awkward silence. "What's Termina?" Ezlo asked, raising a virtually nonexistent eyebrow.

More silence. They're not too talkative today, are they?

"So…what's a Picori if they're not a kind of snack bar?" Link inquired.

"ME!" shrieked Ezlo. "I'M a Picori!"

"So Picori are talking hats?"

"Well, I was cursed to take the form of a hat."

"Ah." Link nodded sagely. "Hey, what's that?" he asked wandering into the village.

"Minish Village, m'boy. Welcome to the Minish Village! It's called such because the population is all Minish!"

"What's a Minish?"

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

So they wandered around for a little while, looking for someone who wouldn't say "Ripico Pico" or some such nonsense. Link eventually let Ezlo do the talking and sleepwalked around, muttering about "Cel-Shading." He was awakened by another painful beak connecting with his skull.

"OW! Hey, did we find someone?"

"You were muttering about Cel-Shading. Cel-Shading plus chibiness make up the Windwaker."

"And you're telling me this…why?"

"You may not have realized it, but you're a chibi."

"WHAAAAT!" Link furiously threw Ezlo down and was about to brutally slaughter him when he noticed… "Is that mushroom a house?"

Before the hat could get a word in edgewise, Link continued. "So _that's_ why they taste so bad!" Silence, then Link groaned out, "I'll never eat another mushroom as long as I live."

A nut hit Link upside the head and ricocheted around until it landed in his mouth. Link accidentally then swallowed the nut, then suddenly understood what everyone was saying….

And yet again, Num skips ahead.

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Link is skipped ahead to Deepwood Shrine. He clears it and is about to enter the boss room. 'Nuff said. Let's continue.

"Well Link?" Ezlo asked nervously.

"You first," the hero replied.

"No, you."

"No, you go!"

"How about we go at the same time?"

"Okay…." And Link walked into the boss room with Ezlo on his head.

The door slammed shut and the ChuChu dripped through the ceiling with a mighty roar…wait, ChuChus can't roar!

"Link!" Ezlo screeched. "Use the Gust Jar from inside this dungeon earlier!" Yes, he has the Gust Jar. Num just skipped it.

The jar went to work sucking up the gunk from around the ChuChu's base, but it was taking too long, a fact that Ezlo took the privilege of bemoaning. "This is pointless. Why do we need the element?"

And Link remembered why he had set out…and the note. Yes, right there. There it was—his purpose in life!

"For Zelda!" Link cried, snatching Ezlo off his head and hurling the hat like a javelin straight for the ChuChu's eye…and hit a bulls-eye (no pun intended.)

The blob's eyes whirred around in circles before the thing exploded. Thus Link got the element.

"Alright, that's just dandy, but how do we get outta here!" Ezlo cried.

You guessed it—more skipping!

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"AAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! TOO MUCH SKIPPING!" Link wailed. "I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORES!" At this point, Link banged his head on a conviently placed wall.

A Kinstone bag hit him upside the head, then an angry mob, pitchforks and all, deposited him in the mineral spring at the base of Mount Crenel.

"What was that all about?" Link wondered as he produced a bottle out of thin air and bottled the liquid.

A sign popped out of nowhere: _HEAD BANGING ILLEGAL IN HYRULE_

Link and Ezlo assumed expressions similar to O.o as the screen faded out.

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Num: And that was a combo of original chapters 1 and 2! Long enough for ya?

Link: You bet. Now I'm bored.

Num: Well start rehearsing for chapters 3-4, AKA Phoenix Edition chapter 2!

Zelda: Review.

**FUN FACT:** "Rinku" is Link's name in Japanese, which I did not know while I was typing this. Weird, huh? Yes Link, YOUR NAME IS RINKU! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!


	2. Family Heirloom

And already, we present the not-so-long awaited CHAPTER 2 of MC: DD PE (this fanfic)!

Link: Today, I retrieve the Fire Element, and Ezlo goes berserk, among other things!

Vaati: We only got one review…. –waves single review in air-

Link: Well, this story just started. Num, do more advertising.

I will. In the mean time, go kill stuff! I SEND THEE FORTH, RINKU!

Link: ­­­-.- Quit it.

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Link sighed as he trudged up the mountain. "I'm hungry. I'm tired. My back is itchy. There's a bird on my head. Where are we? Random nonsense is fun. I'm hungry. I'm-"

"SHADDUP, GODDESSES DAMMIT!" Ezlo cawed. "You're giving me a headache!"

"Well we gotta fill up this blank Microsoft Word document somehow," Link argued.

"How about we fill it up with you getting the Fire Element?"

Link at once perked up. "Oh, that thing? It's a family heirloom," he said pulling it out of his pocket. Yes, Link pulled the FIRE ELEMENT out of his POCKET before he even got to the Cave of Flames!

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" an omniscent voice boomed. Following the voice was the materialization of a phantom in a simple white dress and hair, purple and turquoise, tapering to her ankles. She quickly snatched the Fire Element and chucked it into a cave up on the mountain.

Link was clearly upset. "What was that for!"

The phantom turned her steel gray eyes upon them. "It is the will of Nintendo that you complete the game in order!" With that she vanished, leaving Link and Ezlo flabbergasted-ly continuing up the mountain.

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So, skipping the scene with Melari, Link and Ezlo entered the Cave of Flames, where they had encountered a mob of metallic ChuChus, which Link quickly dispatched with a Spin Attack. When Ezlo asked where the hell Link learned to do a Spin Attack, he just said it was from all the other Zelda games.

"You got the CANE OF PACCI!" chirped the text box. " It allows you to flip stuff over! YAY! Random Nonsense!"

Link grinned. "Yeah, Random Nonsense rules."

Ezlo braced himself for the worst.

"YAY! RANDOM NONSENSE!" Link and the text box exclaimed together.

Ezlo tried to keep himself from completely losing it….

"The sky is blue! The ground is rocky! Joebthegreat pwns! Windows 98 sucks! Eat more chocolate!" Link and the text box ranted in unison.

Ezlo failed miserably at clinging to his sanity. "I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORES!" With that he promptly went berserk, pecked Link repeatedly, brutally slaughtered the text box, and cleared the dungeon except for the boss. He returned with bloodshot eyes, panting heavily.

"Didjya have to do that?" Link whined. "That was fun."

Ezlo returned to his normal self (as normal as a hat can be). "Well, I couldn't pick up the Big Key, so you'll have to get it yourself. Which means you have to fight the boss yourself."

"No biggie," said Link, sucking up a Keese with the Gust Jar, not knowing what the Authoress had planned with that very Keese….

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So jumping ahead, Link was in the boss room fighting the Gleerok, which Ezlo initially mistook for a ChuChu because it roared. Link had just broken the beast's shell for the first time.

"Go up and hack at the thingy on its back, Link!" Ezlo quacked.

Link simply smirked. "Naw, I think I'll use my Amazing Minish Throwing Dart instead," he said grinning evilly.

"Amazing Minish…throwing…dart? Oh no…please no…HAVE MERCY HERO!" Ezlo pleaded as he was again chucked. This instantly killed the beast, and thus did Link reclaim his family heirloom, the FIRE ELEMENT!

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"Ok here's yer sword, laddie." Melari said in a crude Irish accent as he handed Link the White Sword. "Ye need teh go t' Hyrule Castle-"

"PRINCESS ZELDA!" Link cried to the skies, interrupting Melari's monologue. Realizing what he had done, he simply took the sword, grinned sheepishly, and left.

Melari sat there alone for awhile before announcing, "I have a rash."

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Link: You're cutting it SHORT?

Yup. Next chappy, we learn that Zelda can still talk! That, and Link kills some orcs. See ya'll then!

Vaati: But we only got one review….

Link: WE KNOW!

**Fun Fact:** Link had origionally said "My ears are pointy" during the rant. The text box had also been replaced with the Authoress (me). The rant has definitely made a big impact, and is one of the most memorable things to fans of the original (or so I gather).


	3. Megaphone plus Red equals Weird

Link: You're only re-typing the last part you cut short at the end of the last chapter? This is gonna be the LAMEST excuse for a chapter EVER!

Well, you'll have to wade through some original material to get to that point. Hehehehehee….

Link: Oh? Original material? As in what?

Three words: Four. Swords. Adventures.

(Other three Links appear spontaneously)

Other Links: Yay! We get a mention!

Oh, it's more than a mention…Mwahahahahahahaha…

Isaac (from Golden Sun): Skip, peon reviewers! Skip this rant and save yourselves! Skip to the story! Ahead lies salvation from the **Spoilers of DOOM**!

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That night, Link and Ezlo, the latter being dubbed the "Amazing Minish Throwing Dart," had to camp out in the vicinity of North Hyrule Field. Fortunately for them, this was not a parody of Ocarina of Time; otherwise they would be fighting off hordes of Stalfos. No, this was not the case, but instead Ezlo was sawing logs while Link mulled over what he simply dismissed as his "thoughts."

He sighed and took out the Fire Element, raising it up so the moonlight would reflect off its crystalline surface, making it sparkle with an otherworldly light. The young hero remembered he had taken it with him as a good-luck charm; he had wanted to try and woo Zelda the day of the festival. Now it was the key to saving her.

Or one of the keys.

Link sighed boredly as he continued to stare at the artifact. He paid no heed to the subtle vibration he felt on his back….

"_Zelda…."_ Link shot up as the name echoed across the breeze, yet at the same time was only in his mind. He stared at the Fire Element as the voice came again. _"Where is Zelda?"_

Link surveyed his surroundings carefully for the speaker. He was convinced it was some kind of trick…maybe Vaati was nearby and toying with his mind. He hated that guy.

"_Vaati? Where?"_ The voice sounded worried suddenly. _"Did he get Zelda?"_

"No, I don't think he did, or would even want to," Link said aloud. "Why would he want to cart around a statue, after all?"

"_All right…she'll…be okay…right Green? Please tell me she'll…be okay!"_

Green? Who the hell was green? "My name's Link," he called into the night. "I may wear green, but that doesn't mean you can call me that."

"_Link…but aren't you the Green Link?"_

"What, you're talking like there are other Links or something bizarro like that." Then something unexpected happened…was the voice…_laughing_? Yes, it was giggling like a small child would when they were amused.

"_Heeheehee, what, you don't recognize my voice or anything?"_

And then it hit him. It was like being whacked upside the head with a lead brick. Which is none too pleasant. In fact, the only difference was that this realization had no accompanying pain, only the afterward stun.

That was _his_ voice.

"Okay, how the hell am I talking to MYSELF?" Link shouted rather annoyed.

"I dunno, blame the Fire Element. And…well, I'm you but I'm not you. It's really confusing. But we'll meet up soon Green. In the meanwhile, I'm tired."

And the voice was gone….

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The next morning, Link continued trudging half-asleep through Hyrule Field. Step, step, yawn, step. On and on and on. No breakfast even; that was primarily his own fault as he didn't pack any food.

Into the castle, past the apathetic guards, resist urge to cling to the stone Zelda, walk, yawn, stretch, keep going. Link found the courtyard and entered the sanctuary and infused the White Sword with the elements, which made the hilt change color and made the blade shinier. Gotta remember the shininess.

"Link, the tablet over there that mysteriously phased into existence gives you instructions to clone yourself," Ezlo squawked. Link followed said instructions….

And then there were two; one in green, one in red.

The red Link turned toward the original with a broad smile. "See Green? I told you we'd meet up soon!"

Green Link's jaw dropped. "You're me! How the hell are you me?"

Red Link shrugged. "Blame the White Sword. You probably didn't notice it vibrating last night."

"Link, how the hell are there two of you?" inquired Ezlo.

Both Links raised their blades at the same time. "The White Sword!"

Green Link struck a heroic pose. "And we're one step closer to clobbering Vaati!"

"Yeah, but…" Red Link whimpered, "Vaati's kinda scary…."

Green fell over Anime-style.

So the Authoress, bored with this scene, skipped ahead. AGAIN.

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"I see you hero!"

Link turned to face the tree with a look of annoyance. "Yeah, I can see you too Vaati. Sitting in a tree with a megaphone ain't the smartest thing, now is it?"

Vaati said nothing, only climbed down uttering a string of curse words.

"I have no idea what you just said," confessed Link.

Vaati repeated the curse word string again. "AfahtjkjahrvjihgnahithagahvgtnnhfhfiahBEEP!"

Link raised an eyebrow, still confused as hell.

"He's pulling a Jenna," Ezlo whispered in the hero's ear.

"Humph. You really annoy me, hero," Vaati announced. "So, I will have to do away with you…."

Time froze at the dramatic scene about to occur as the screen faded out.

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Well, there you have it.

Red: YAYAYAYAY! I GET A PART!

Now, you gotta remember Red: NO SOCK PUPPETS!

Red: Fine…

Link (aka Green): So you inserted a FSA twist? Intriguing….

Vaati: Humph.

All: Errmmm….

Vaati: What? Saying that makes me sound cool. Now if I could get the cape flourish right….

Zelda: Hey, what about meeeeeee?

Review, before the Krug steal your monitor and think it's an artifact used for necromancery!

Link: Playing a little too much Dungeon Siege, were we?


	4. In Which We Stalk Vaati

Well, thank you all for your wonderful reviews!

Red: One.

As you may have noticed, Blue and Purple/Vio don't exist yet. They will when Link gets the other elements. But…I feel like goofing around! With the villain's head, mainly!

Vaati: I'm right here, y'know….

Red: EEP!

So, to keep Link occupied while we stalk Mr. Eggnog, I hired a legion of the finest orcs of Mordor!

Orcs: GRAAAWH!

Zelda: Wait, Mr. Eggnog? Why eggnog? IT'S THE FOURTH OF JULY!

(-Num hands eggnog to Vaati; Vaati drinks and gets wasted-)

It does that to him. THANKS FERRET!

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Alright, we left off sheer seconds before an epic battle…if two Moblins killed before Vaati can teleport off is epic. Mebbe it'll qualify in Slo-Mo….

Vaati, most definitely pissed at the utter anihalation of his minions before he could escape, pulled another "Jenna."

"Ha! Whatchya gonna do now?" Link taunted.

Vaati smirked. "I have another trick up my sleeve. ORCS OF MORDOR! TO ME!"

Nothing happened.

"Errr…" Vaati resorted to using a Deku nut. When the smoke cleared, the Orcs of Mordor were just then rushing out late as Vaati slipped away.

We do not watch the epic battle, though. Instead we follow…read the friggin' summery meathead.

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"Army of Jello? Too squishy. Army of turkeys? Too Thanksgiving-y." Vaati rambled to himself as he entered Hyrule Castle's throne room, which was currently unoccupied other than the Zelda statue. "Army of tuna? Too fishy."

A voice came out of nowhere… "Army? What the hell?"

Vaati jumped and turned around. "Who's there?"

"Ummmm…it's me." The voice sounded strangely like Princess Zelda.

Vaati raised an eyebrow. "Wait a minute…Zelda?"

"How about that? You're _not_ an idiot!"

"Say WHAT!"

"You heard me," Zelda scoffed.

Vaati looked rather irritated. "I kinda wish I wasn't hearing you."

"Well…you have no idea what's right under your feet!" the princess giggled.

"Ummm…what are you talking about?" Vaati looked down to see he was standing on a well concealed trap door. "When did that get there?"

Zelda sounded worried. "Oh shit, it really _is_ there…don't open it!"

"Uhhh…why not?"

"Th-there's nothing in it!"

"Do you know something I don't?" Vaati questioned.

"Ummm…maybe…but don't open it."

"Princess…." Vaati said in a singsong voice. "Need I remind you, you are at my mercy?"

"Hmph! I'm a statue! Try to hurt me!" Zelda would have stuck her nose in the air if she wasn't stone.

"True, so true, now tell me what's under the door," Vaati replied coolly.

Zelda would have spat if she could have. "Like I would tell you!"

"Ummm, Princess Zelda? I feel I ought to tell you that…I know your lullaby." Vaati smirked evilly.

"EEEEEEEK!" Zelda shrieked.

"It's okay Princess, just tell me what's under the trapdoor and all will be fine."

Zelda sighed in defeat. "The greatest relics in Hyrule."

Vaati raised another eyebrow. "That's it?"

"YES THAT'S FRIGGIN IT!" Zelda screeched.

"Tch, we'll see how great these relics are," said Vaati, opening the trapdoor.

Inside was:

The Ocarina of Time

The Windwaker

The Wooden Sword

The Moon Pearl

The Lampshade of No Real Importance

The Triforce of Courage

The Fierce Deity Mask

Vaati looked at every item. "Boring, boring, boring…" he looked at the Triforce of Courage. "Might want to keep that in mind…hello, what's this?" he said holding up the Fierce Deity Mask.

Zelda offered an explanation: "It's the Fierce Deity Mask. The child Hero of Time wore that, among other masks, in his struggle to save Termina from an evil moon that was to crash into it."

"An evil _moon_?"

"Yes, an evil moon! Or at least that's what the legends say."

Vaati pondered. "So what do these masks do, exactly?"

"Well," explained Zelda, "That one makes you all-powerful and godlike." An evil grin spread across Vaati's face. "It's also part of my inheritance, so I'll take it back, thank you. Besides, it might turn you into Link."

"Just try to take it back, statue!" Vaati scoffed, then did a doubletake. "Wait a minute. Turn me into _him_?"

"Yes him. Now give it back!"

Vaati was thinking Zelda torture thoughts then…and promptly stuck the mask on Zelda.

Boom. Fierce Deity Statue Zelda. No Link in sight. Vaati was rather annoyed it didn't work, but surprised by the change.

"Ha! I am a goddess now! BOW DOWN TO ME!"

Vaati said nothing, only took the mask off of Zelda. "Ow! That hurt!"

"Well, at least you're no longer a goddess." Vaati grinned.

And then there was a knock….

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"Who is it?" Vaati peeked out of the ajar door.

The town's mailman stood there. "Sir! I have a letter for you from a pirate who was really scary and threatening!" The postman handed Vaati the letter and jogged off.

"What kind of pirate would write to me?" Vaati pondered as he opened the letter.

After he finished reading the letter, the sorcerer's eyes widened and he turned beet red.

"Well? Who was it from?" Zelda pestered.

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"

"Sheesh, touchy." Zelda sighed.

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Hmmm…who could the mystery pirate be?

Red: Num would like to thank Silver Ferret for playing an excellent Vaati.

Zelda: Link's name only appeared twice in the actual chapter…wow. That's a record.

This chapter has been most fun to do. Now, we wait for the reviews of Violet, Lord of Pastries, and Uber Spoonz.

**Fun Fact:** I thought up Blue's wing on…whoops…wrong chapter.


	5. The Link Muteness Factor

Now, do you all remember the Keese from a couple chapters ago? The one Link sucked up with the Gust Jar? IT RETURNS NOW!

Zelda: And how is this so important?

Look at the chapter title.

Zelda: But what does the Link Muteness Factor have to do with a Keese?

You remember the original, no?

Zelda: Oh! My favorite chapter!

Heeheehee…now watch. Castle.

Link: ZELDA!

Castle.

Link: Zelda.

Castle.

Link: Zelda.

Zelda: Huh?

Link: Oh, hi Zel!

Zelda: You mean you didn't see me before? Then why were you saying my name?

Well, whenever someone says "Castle"-

Link: Zelda.

Zelda: What?

Link: I dunno!

…Whenever someone says Kastl, he says your name.

Zelda: Why did you misspell Castle?

Link: Zelda!

Zelda: SPIT IT OUT ALREADY YOU SANTA'S ELF REJECT!

LINK: I DON'T KNOW WHAT!

HOLD ON YOU TWO, MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS STUCK!

LINK: FIX IT YET?

ZELDA: OBVIOUSly no-hey! That was in the middle of a word!

What, you wanna be in all caps? And I said Kastl instead of Castle-

Link: Zelda!

…because of that.

Zelda: Goddesses, let's start already! This nonsense has taken up about a fourth of the chapter already!

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"I don't see a cinematic anywhere," said Link, squinting.

Ezlo rolled his eyes. "Three more feet, bimbo."

Three feet ahead, we see King Daltus trying to call Pizza hut using a Singer Sewing Machine, when Vaati ambushes him.

"Must be the wind." Link dismissed the cinematic.

"You really are dense, you know that?" Ezlo groaned. "Now, we need to get the Pegasus Boots in town, 'kay?"

" 'Kay." Link shuffled into town nonchalantly.

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The town was as bustling as usual, but something was awry…could it be the Postman selling kumquats?

"Kumquats!" hawked the Postman. "Kumquats!" He tripped on a cat, which scratched up an old lady, whose cane hit the girl who's always standing by the town bell, who fell on top of Samus, whose blaster was accidentally fired at a dog, which ran around with its butt on fire into the lady who ran the roulette at the festival, who smashed into a ninja, whose shuriken flew off and hit Link in the rear, who ran around until tripping on a rock and falling into the river.

And we all know Link can't swim…

"OH SHIIIIIIIIT!" cried Ezlo as he was dragged into the water as well. However, for the sake of the story, he was given three seconds of superhuman strength, which allowed him to drag himself—and Link—out of the water.

Ezlo looked at Link…and saw the green-clad boy _wasn't breathing_!

"Fuckerbuckets! CPR! CPR!" Ezlo yelped as he jumped up and down on top of Link in a desperate attempt to revive him. "Dammit, get up! I don't wanna be sued and mauled to death by fangirls!"

And then a light bulb materialized over Ezlo's head.

"You got…AN IDEA!" announced the purple and turquoise haired ghost as she manifested before Ezlo. "USE IT, GODDESSESDAMMITT!"

Ezlo pulled out the Gust Jar and set to work firing puffs of air into the limp hero, until _finally_ he opened his eyes and gasped….

…And then the Keese from previous chapters plummeted out and into Link's open mouth.

Link blinked in confusion and tried to pull the Keese out, to no avail. And everyone started guffawing their heads off.

"Uh…heehee…L-link, just…hahaha…side quest or sumpin," the phantom giggled.

Ezlo raised an eyebrow. "Who are you, lady?"

The apparition instantly regained her composition. "Why, I am…**_THE AUTHORESS!_**"

Anju ran up and shoved the Authoress out of the way. "Mr. Keese-Shoved-Into-Mouth! Can you catch my cuckoos?" Link nodded. "Alright, catch 8059428419404285 Cuckoos in 5 seconds."

Link only had time to catch one…but it was GOLD!

"NOEZ!" Anju had a heart attack, before surrendering a Piece of Heart, 999 Rupees, and 999 Mysterious Shells.

Link looked particularly happy as he entered the store.

"Hello!" greeted Stockwell. "Sir, could I interest you in…A WII?"

Ezlo's eyes were replaced by glittering stars. "Link! Buy it! Buy it! Buy it!"

Link's eyes were sparkling when he saw it, and all bystanders swore they could hear melodramatic angels singing.

But Stockwell's eyes widened as he laid eyes on the Keese. Unholy special effects started seeping in as the shopkeeper cried two words: "COUSIN CHARLIE!"

And Stockwell was no more, but in his place stood none other than Dracula!

"I command you to spit my cousin OUT!" commanded Dracula as he tugged on the Keese. "I will hang you from the tallest spire of my castle-"

Link's eyes widened. "MMRIMPHESS SELMMA!"

"Eh?" Dracula raised an eyebrow.

Ezlo sighed. "He does that."

"Oh." Awkward silence followed.

"FOR THE LOVE OF NAYRU!" exclaimed a frustrated Numdenu as she came in and pulled Charlie out of Link's mouth.

Link's eyes widened and he grinned. "YES! I CAN TALK!" He turned on a radio and began to sing along to the Numa Numa song.

"OHEMGEE!" Numdenu cried as she joined in.

Ezlo hid under the table. "GODDESSES, MAKE IT STOP!"

"vrais a pleche dar numa numa i-ay

numa numa i-ay numa numa numa i-ay

kipul tow she dragosta din tay, ma mintesc day oki ti-ay!"

Dracula spontaneously combusted due to Link's horrible singing, leaving behind a pair of Pegasus Boots as "Epic Loot."

Sadly, the Numa Numa song ended.

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Ah, Numa Numa. I'm obsessed, I know. D

Zelda: Please review! You know you want to….

**Fun Fact:** This chapter is the closest to the original of all written so far. About the only really new thing is Numa Numa.


	6. Death and Shady Saleswomen

WHEEE! I'M FLYING!

(-Link shoots Num down with a tranquilizer gun-)

Ow…. (-falls asleep; Link uses smelling salts, Num pops back up.

Huh? Oh, this is the new chapter, isn't it?

Link: Yuppers.

Oh…okay. Original content inspiration today comes from my sudden obsession with Fire Emblem: Sacred Stones skits.

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Link used his Pegasus Boots to dash to the first Kinstone cave, where he would obtain…guess. Inside was a Darknut, which Link used his AMTD on. However, the AMTD just destroyed the armor, not the roaring creature underneath….

…A CHUCHU!

"WTF?" wtf'd Link as the ChuChu threw Ezlo back at him! Link barely dodged, and picked Ezlo back up, striking once again. And thus did the ChuChu fall.

Numdenu materialized. "Okay, I'll save you some trouble, so take these two Kinstone pieces and this bow."

"But aren't there supposed to be three Kinstone pieces?" questioned Link.

"The other disappeared. Dunno where it went."

Link sighed and exited the cave, standing depressedly outside. He was screwed. His quest was screwed. And Zelda…yup, she was screwed too. If only he could find who had the last Kinstone piece….

"Psssssst!" came a whisper from a crevice next to him. A woman poked her head out, the hood of her cloak concealing her face. "Wanna buy a gold Kinstone piece?"

Link jumped up. "YES! How much?"

"Hmmm…I'll charge you 500 Rupees."

"But that's more than my wallet can hold!"

The shady saleswoman sighed. "500 Rupees or all of Hyrule is screwed."

"Who are you, anyway?" asked Link, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm Eir—uhhhh, none of your business, kid!" the saleswoman snapped.

Link glared suspiciously at the saleswoman before pulling off her hood.

"Ack!" yelped the saleswoman, who was revealed to be about 17, with turquoise hair and red and gold flexible armor. A sword hung from her belt.

"BY THE GODDESSES!" Link yelped. "IT'S A MERCENARY!"

Ezlo's beak dropped. "…Princess Eirika of Renias?"

"Oh, she's a princess? She doesn't look like Zelda, so how can you be sure?"

Ezlo sighed. "Eirika is from another game."

"And I would've gotten away with the shady salesperson life, if it weren't for you meddling kid!" Eirika scowled.

"Actually…" Ezlo pondered. "We won't tell anyone if…you give us that golden Kinstone?"

Eirika look rather upset. "Fine, take it," she said, handing over the coveted object.

Link did a happy dance and dashed off.

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"OPEN SESAME!" yelled Link at the stone chunk blocking his path. A sesame seed popped.

Ezlo would have slapped his forehead if he had hands. "Fuse the Golden Kinstones with the status first!"

"Oh." Link did so and proceeded.

After a boring while, Link turned to the camera. "Num? Can you skip us ahead a little?"

And so Num did…a little too far, in fact. Link was facing the Big Octo in the Temple of Droplets. "BACK! BACK! BACK!" yelped Link desperately.

Thus did Link somehow get the Mole Mitts and enter the boss room.

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Mazaal, the clockwork beast based off another boss in Windwaker, proved to be no match for Ezlo's direction-giving and Link's passion to save Zelda. The real trouble struck when Mazaal was defeated…it exploded with Link inside!

Link and Ezlo were teleported back to the dungeon entrance. Link reached up to rub his sore head, but his hand went right _through_ his head! "Huh?"

Ezlo was stunned. "We're GHOSTS!"

"So now what?"

Numdenu appeared again with a ball of light. "For the love of anchovies, can't you do anything right?" She let the orb loose, and it materialized Link and Ezlo upon crashing into them. Yes, they're alive again.

"Now try not to die!" Num scolded before vanishing, leaving the Ocarina of Wind for the sake of simplicity.

"Hey, wait!" Link yelled. "What about the Element?"

Ezlo sighed. "The ASG says it's in the Cloud tops."

"Damn! Damn it all!"

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Next chapter, Link is on a quest for books!

And I have nothing more to say, because I know all of you will click that little review button without pestering…(hint)

**Fun Fact:** My own mom made a cameo in the original, if anyone cares.


	7. Tachibana

Okay, I'm back. Starting teh ebil school tomorrow, so I'm enjoying my freedom while I can.

Link: And you'll be updating all year long, I hope. Riiight?

-sigh- Yes Chibi-sama, I'll be updating.

Link: Good. Good, good. Now…what else is new?

Well…I got security now! Meet Alphonse Elric.

Al: Hello.

Link: …He's a hollow suit of armor….

I know! That makes him perfect for the job, no?

Link: Hollowhead!

Al: Aww, meanie.

AHEM! The fic?

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.--.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Sorry, you can't get to Elder Librari until you get the three library books back here," said a Minish before returning to her current SSBM match.

Link blinked. "Books? I have to run around existence for BOOKS?"

"Just talk to the librarian," sighed Ezlo.

Said librarian informed them that a group of mice had checked out the first book, the second was taken by a large, ugly guy reminiscent of Pinocchio, and the third was taken by none other than Smith Black the blacksmith and Link's grandfather.

"So…" Ezlo guessed, "your last name is Black?"

"Nope," Link smiled proudly.

"What is it?"

"My last name is…Tachibana."

Ezlo was shellshocked. "That's a Japanese name! One that was very powerful during the Heian period, no less! How the HELL did you end up with that name?"

"…Are you saying I'm of noble blood or something?" a confused Link inquired.

"Well if that's your last name, then yes, I guess…."

"Ho-Ly… Shit!"

A hooded figure came up behind Link and Ezlo. "Excuse me…are you known as Rinku 'Link' Tachibana?"

"This ain't Japan! My name's LINK! …But, yeah…."

The man knocked out Link and dragged him off.

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"Link, you dolt!" Ezlo squawked at the little hero as he awakened. "Don't go around hawking your last name! You may be being kidnapped as we speak and held for ransom back to the fangirls!"

They were apparently in a white room, except no padding. The hooded figure was towering over them. "My master wishes to see you." With that, he opened a white door leading to another blank room.

Link entered uneasily and sat down on a white chair facing a matching table, upon which sat two martini glasses. And in the martini glasses, spinning around and making buffoons of themselves, were two white mice.

"Hello," said the first mouse, sounding rather official. "I am Bicker the mouse, and you are looking for a library book, yes?"

Link blinked (again). "Yeah…how'd you know?"

"I'm Fat Albert!" the second mouse hiccupped, obviously wasted. "The book's in –hic- the wine cooler!"

Bicker slapped the other mouse. "Oh shut up, Broker. You're drunk, and the book is under the table."

Link held up the book. "Actually, it _was_ in the wine cooler. Now how do I get out of here?"

A plothole appeared out of nowhere and sucked Link in.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.--.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Thus did our heroes find themselves in Link's room, with said Link sprawled out under the bed.

Ezlo blinked. "What…are you doing?"

"Reading," said Link simply.

"Oh?" Ezlo peeked at the book Link was holding. "Is that…Num's Diary!"

_Aug. 10, 2005_

_Dear diary,_

_Today I published the re-typed first chapter of "Minish Cap: Deleted Dialogues". Wonder if any readers of my SSBM story will see it? I hope I don't get flamed…_

_Oh yeah, I'm gonna put this up as a library book, lolz. And to whoever reads this (especially Link): There are no secrets in here! No little tidbits of my deepest, darkest corners of my mind! HA! These are just my random ramblings! Oh, and word fun, lolz. Gotta love word fun._

"_Link blinked."_

_Word fun! Yayness! Oh, and maybe a bit of an interesting Mad Lib…lessee…._

"_If you live in the city, you will see many vacant shinies filled with hundreds of tacos for sale."_

"_Yo Quiero" means "I want". So "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" means "I Want Taco Bell". And tacos pwn. Well, so do won tons… ah well._

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_Jan 28, 2006_

_Dear diary,_

_NOOOOOOOOOO! MC: DD was DELETED! And so close to the end too! Ah well…at least I nabbed Link as my muse while I could! He seems to be adapting well, other than the fact that he's still shaken up about the fact his story was deleted. Poor guy…._

_But someday…._

_Someday…it shall return…I cannot let it die entirely…no, no, it shall LIVE! BWAHAHAHAHA!_

_And now to tend to my profile…._

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_Jun. 16, 2006_

_Dear diary,_

_IT LIVES! MY FIC LIVES! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

_I have reposted MC: DD… as MC: DD PHOENIX EDITION! Like a phoenix rising from the ashes of old, it rises to spread my insanity over the skies of FFnet once more! I feel so tingly inside!_

_This shall once again be a library book, yesums. Chibi-sama will prolly want to read and see what I added, 'cause he's nosy like that. Bastard._

_Fin. Nothing more to say._

"That…was it?" Link looked extremely disappointed. "Aww…."

So he set out towards the library under threat of plothole. He doesn't like them.

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Outside the library, Link met with disaster….

"Hey, watch it buddy!" Disaster shouted as he brushed by.

Okay, I mean really, disaster….

"LINK! I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!" a voice thundered.

"Is that…" Ezlo breathed.

Link stepped back. "It…can't be! But…it's…."

A tall, ugly man towered over our little hero with a maniacal grin. "I am…GANONDORF!"

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Whoot! CLIFFY!

Next chapter, I'll try for a bash-fest, but no promises; I'll prolly be tuckered out. Oh, and Vaati will reveal a rather strange side to him….

Link: You can't make me fight HIM! Not this early!

Tough luck.

Link: I demand a higher salary for this! I BETTER GODDESSESDAMNED GET ONE! (-goes berserk-)

Oop…SECURITY!

(-Al drags Link out and unceremoniously tosses him down-)

**Fun Fact:** I had originally thought that Tachibana was some Japanese-sounding nonsense name that Silver Ferret had thought up, but the Spell Checker didn't go off…so I Wikipedia'd it up, and lo and behold, it was the name of a politically powerful Japanese family from…some era in history. So yes, Link's a noble here! Goes well with ZeLink, actually.


	8. You call this epic?

SCHOOL EBIL! I have had NO free time!

Link: Actually, you had. You were doodling.

…Okay, so sue me. I still blame education. Worst thing is, it's stuff I already know.

Al: Claims she does of wanting to start an account on DeviantART. Say she has not enough pictures, she does.

Link: Dude, that's worse than Yoda!

…So, let's start this, shall we?

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The epic battle begins….

Ganon drew twin swords and charged at Link, who dodged and attempted a strike from behind and messed up because he was Chibi and thus too short. So Link tried another attack, his Spin Attack, which cut one of Ganondorf's arteries, but ultimately just made Link's tunic red. Then the Gerudo struck again, and swords rang against shield as-

Num sighed boredly. "Let's try a battle format, shall we?"

---EVERQUEST STYLE---

Link hits Ganondorf for 22 damage.

Ganondorf tries to hit Link, but misses.

Link's Angry Chibi Strike hits Ganondorf for 50 damage.

Ganondorf tries to hit Link, but Link parries.

Link hits Ganondorf for-

"BORING!" shouted and upset Num.

---FIRE EMBLEM FORMAT---

Link struck Ganon for x amount of damage, then Ganon hit Link for x amount of damage. And then Link hit Ganon for x amount of damage again, because he was faster.

Num sighed. "This doesn't work well. NEXT!"

---FIGHT A LA POKEMON---

Link used Slash!

It's not very effective….

Foe Ganondorf used Ebil Might!

It's super effective!

Link would have died, but he had a fairy, so yay!

"Ugh…boooring," groaned Num, her head in her hands.

---WTF---

**_Ready, steady, don't hold me back… _**

**_Ready, steady, give me good luck…_**

**_Ready, steady, never look back…_**

"ALPHONSE!" Num shrieked. "This is **NOT** time for J-Pop!"

Al jumped, clearly intimidated. "Ummm…sorry?"

---WHOOT GOLDEN SUN---

Link attacks!

Ganondorf takes 30 damage.

Ganondorf attacks!

Link nimbly dodges the blow!

Link summons Red!

And now there are two Links.

Ganon attacks!

Green Link takes 48 damage.

Green Link uses Lon Lon!

Green Link's health is fully restored!

Red Link summons Marth!

Ganondorf takes 123 damage!

Ganondorf summons Sephiroth!

Green Link is completely unfazed.

Red Link takes 1337 damage!

Red Link was downed….

"HOLD ON A MINUTE!" yelled a flustered Num. "Marth and Sephiroth? What the anchovy is going on?"

Al would have blinked if he had eyelids. "Anchovy?"

---SOUTH PARK…?---

Link and Ganon were now in that cutout South Park style animation.

"Oh my Goddesses, he killed Red!" exclaimed the original Link in a very Stan-like way.

"YOU BASTARD!" A green haired cavalier from Fire Emblem: Sacred Stones, apparently named Kyle, popped up and put in his two cents. No really, he stuck two pennies in his horse's ears.

"Okay, this is just stupid." Num rested her head on her knee. "Let's just…aww, for Photoshop's sake, just give the midget the blasted book, Ganon!"

Ganon sighed. "Fine…but I WILL RETURN!"

So Link got the third book, yay. Skipping ahead past lotsa junk, he defeated a slug groaning about Pepto Bismal and got the flippers. Huzzah.

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"Vaati, what the hell is in that box?" asked a confused Zelda.

The sorcerer grinned evilly (because that's the only grin he knows how to do). "Why, it's what I bought on Ebay!"

"You buy stuff on Ebay?

"Yup. Ah, my electric guitar!" Vaati pulled out a sleek black guitar with stylish teal streaks and a signature on the strap.

Zelda got curious. "Who's it signed by?"

"It says 'Ed'…"

"Who's Ed?"

"I dunno! It just says Ed!"

"Ed who?"

"Goddessesdammit, I don't know Ed who, it just says ED!"

"Maybe it stands for something…."

Vaati cleared his throat. "If I could try this out…?"

"Oh, sorry," Zelda apologized.

Vaati strummed some notes and began singing:

"_A used ... pink bathrobe  
A rare ... mint snowglobe  
A Smurf ... TV tray  
I bought on Ebay_."

Dark Link appeared at this point with a red electric guitar and joined in.

"_My house ... is filled with this crap  
Shows up in bubble wrap  
Most every day  
What I bought on Ebay._

_Tell me why (I need another pet rock)  
Tell me why (I got that Alf alarm clock)  
Tell me why (I bid on Shatner's old toupee)  
They had it on Ebay_."

Zelda's eye twitched, despite her petrification. "You're singing about frickin' Ebay?"

"It's not my fault I'm a guitar junkie!" Vaati whined. Dark Link decided to disappear about now.

"Oh…sweet Nayru…what has happened to this world…."

Vaati puzzled over the guitar. "What the hell does 'Ed' mean?"

"Well… it could stand for 'einor daro,' which is Hylian for…errr…eff you."

"You can't eff me!"

"No, that's what it stands for."

"So someone's flicking me off!"

"Well, we can't be sure…it could just be signed by some guy named Ed."

"Goddesses, this is too damn confusing."

Zelda decided to pitch an idea. "How about we _let the reviewers vote on it and decide?_"

"Ah, Princess, you never seem to run out of ideas."

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So, now you guys have got to decide. Is someone flicking Vaati off? Or did a guy named Ed just happen to sign Vaati's guitar?

Al: O.o Nii-san had a guitar?

It's not necessarily your brother, Al.

Link: Dude, Nissan is a car.

Al: No, Nii-san, Japanese for older brother.

Link: It's a car.

Al: It means brother!

Link: It's a car!

Dammit you two, shuttup!


	9. WTF it's DRAMA

And thus I return with sort of a vengeance, a meager amount of free time, and lots more agenda doodles.

Let's see the statistics, shall we? If you all recall, you were to vote on the meaning of the signature on Vaati's guitar.

Vaati gets flicked off (for the clueless): 2 votes

Edward Elric signed the guitar (for FMA fans): 1 vote

Guy named Ed (Elric) flicks Vaati off: 1 vote (by an FMA fan with some actual sense)

I'll let you guys have one more chapter to confirm the results.

Link: And let me guess…my almost-demise is here, right?

Yup. And Mario. PHEAR TEH TEMPLE O' DROPLETS!

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So, yes. The famed Temple of Droplets. Why famed? It just is…I don't know why, but it is. And Ezlo and Link had entered.

"Goddesses, why is it so damned _cold_!" panted Link, his breath steaming before him, rising up in elegant curls to be inhaled by Ezlo and give said Minish nausea.

And then, from the shadows came a figure…in overalls and tap-dancing shoes.

"So…It's-a you, Link!"

"Gaspeth!" cried Ezlo.

Link's eyes widened, then narrowed into a glare so chilling the place would've frozen if it wasn't already. "MARIO!"

"Yes! It's-a me!" Mario started tap dancing in triumph. "And I've-a got the Big Key-a!"

"So what do you want for it?"

"Why was I-a here in the original fanfic-a?"

Link scratched his chin. "Hmmm…because you hate me and want to get on my nerves?"

"No-a…but that's-a why I so readily took-a the job-a."

"To corrupt this story with your vile plumbing?"

"No-a…close-a, but no cigar-a."

"I don't want a deities-forsaken CIGAR!" Link roared. "I WANT THE BIG KEY!"

Ezlo sighed. "The authoress Mullenium Master requested it."

Mario froze, then glared. "Damn-a you hat-a!" With that, he promptly vanished in the same poof of smoke as the monsters, leaving the Big Key behind.

Skipping through the famed yet unimportant dungeon….

"GWARGH" gwargh'd the Big Octorock before sucking up the Water Element, which had since thawed out, and thundered away.

Ezlo sighed. "Before you ask, Link, that is part of the GAME, not one of Num's crazy ideas."

"Gulp," Link gulped.

So they proceeded into the lair of the thing. Thing. That's dramatic, no? It isn't? Oh, okay, then moving on…

The beast growled from deep in its throat, its breath like a smoke signal flaring in the cold. It hunkered down and prepared to spit a rock the moment Link entered.

"Shit, move ya twit!" Ezlo squawked as Link rolled out of the path of the deadly projectile, sliding across the floor. And the battle roared on…or about as close to roaring you can get with an octorock and a Minish-sized hero. But still, everything was going swimmingly…until, with a mighty breath, Link was inhaled and spit out against an icicle jutting out of the wall.

Ezlo squeezed his eyes tight, and when he opened them and looked around, the first thing he noticed was Link…skewered upon the cruel shaft of ice, which was starting to turn pinkish after being washed in his blood….

The hat let loose one cry to the ceiling… "SHIIIIIIIIT!"

"Holy-" Num began, cut off by a roar of triumph from the Octorock, which she promptly threw a shoe at. "Dammit, Muse, why the hell…"

Link was too unconscious to care about or even hear the Authoress' half-assed rant.

"Ezlo, take his shield and lantern and fight the blasted thing," Num finished at last.

The hat stared at her like she had just sprouted a Vaati-purple rhinoceros horn out of her knee. "What? I can't-"

"Oh, you can and you will." With that, she promptly tossed the hat and equipment into the frozen arena below and began to tend Link's wounds best she could.

The Octorock towered over him, its eyes leering with a cold fire, and insatiable hunger. It let loose a mighty bellow and charged headlong at the defenseless cap which cowered behind the shield.

Wait a damned minute, how is he holding it up?

Ezlo thought it was definitely the end. He was stuck in a freezing, somehow famed for something temple, there was a giant octorock charging at him, Link was skewered like a shish kabob, and he himself was holding up a shield. It was the end, and he was going to die a horrible, icy, trampled death.

Suddenly, there was a strange sound…like the angels of heaven had their harps stolen, broken, and danced carelessly upon by beige-colored demons cosplaying as Marth and Roy…

It was Link. And he was singing.

"_This is the story of a girl  
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world  
And while she looks so sad in photographs  
I absolutely love her  
When she smiles_," he cried, sounding tone-deaf for all the world.

Numdenu promptly snatched the Minish portals from the fight with Mazaal and stuck them over her ears, before hovering contentedly, watching the octorock's confusion as it banged into walls aimlessly.

"LINK!" Ezlo screeched. "What the HELL are you-"

And the Big Octo exploded in a shower of purple smoke.

Num grinned and pulled the Minish portals off her ears. "Like in the original. Link had to sing to kill the boss…DON'T DIE FRANZ!"

Ezlo gave her a quizzical look. "Franz?"

"Err…LINK! DON'T DIIIEEEEE!"

Link gave no heed, as he was unconscious once more and couldn't hear them.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" came the collective cries of Num, Ezlo, a random Minish, a Nintendo DS, Princess Zelda, the Elric bros, some chocolate malt balls, Shigeru Miyamoto, Marth and Roy.

---HYRULE CASTLE---

"YES!" Vaati leaped up and punched the air gleefully. "The Hero is Dead! The Hero is Dead!" He pranced around the castle, waving a flag with a picture of chocolate cake on it, and an eyeball-shaped Christmas tree ornament was hanging off his right ear. "Hear that, Princess? The Hero is Dead!"

Zelda sighed. "Naïve fool. You should know what happens next."

Vaati continued his celebrations. "734 43r0 8 63a6!" he cried in almost perfect 1337.

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OMFG! DRAMA!

Al: Now that was unexpected.

You just didn't read the original, my good trashcan.

Now remember…**WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THE SIGNATURE ON VAATI'S GUITAR?**

And review as always. I'll be waiting!


	10. Light at the End of the Conveyor Belt

Link: Gee, you really haven't been updating much, have you?

…What the HELL???

Link: Yeah, hits like a ton of bricks, eh?

Al: She's not paying you any attention.

Link: (-peeks over Num's shoulder-) What? Who died?

Al: Died?

Link: It's Fire Emblem: Sacred Stones.

HOLY CHIT!!!!!

Link and Al: WHAT?!?

Well, there's this unit, Amelia, see?

Link: Ah, her. _Die Cavalierin_.

Al: Not more German…Brother gave me enough of that already.

Link: Shaddup, you bloodsucking trashcan.

AHEM! Well, Amelia here just changed class from a Recruit…

Link and Al: To a…?

To a Recruit.

(-Link and Al fall over anime-style-)

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Mullenium Master, Meggy, and Zelda Rockbell (3) vote that **Vaati gets flicked off.**

Silver Ferret, Koholint, and myself (3) vote that **"Ed" flicks Vaati off.**

Vaati (1) votes that **the guitar has no significance.**

**And the result:** Well, why not have Ed flick Vaati off? Half the votes just say he gets flicked off, but not by _who_. Now, I'll give you guys one more chapter to vote on _which_ Ed. The default for now is Ed Elric, but feel free to vote against this, as long as you suggest your own Ed.

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It was dark.

The dark was more of a nuisance than anything else. Link appeared to be in a tunnel of some sort, but then again, tunnels had walls you could feel. It seemed he was just floating in the ether, waiting for something.

"Green, what's going on?"

Link was, needless to say, startled by the voice, and even more so when he turned around to see Red floating there with a befuddled expression. "Green?"

"Maybe…" Green mulled through the mish-mash of his brain to find an explanation. "Maybe we're dead."

"But…what about Zelda? We can't just _die_! Whaddo we do?" Red whipped his head around, panicked.

Green sighed. "Wait for Num to press the Restart button. Y'know, like she does all the time in Fire Emblem when someone gets killed off."

And then there was the light.

"Nevermind Red, I think we're goners." Green sighed. "Well, if albeit short, it's been a good run. Goodbye, World!"

"WAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" Red wailed. "I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!!!"

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Ezlo stared at the comatose body of the poor Hylian hero. "Is he dead yet?"

"No, for the bazillionth time," Num sighed.

A few seconds passed. "…How 'bout now?"

"No."

"…Now?"

"Goddesses, NO! Now SHADDUP! And go get me a Pepsi!"

"Well, what are YOU gonna do?" Ezlo snarled.

Num shrugged. "Possess Link and try to keep him from fading into the light at the end of the tunnel, I guess."

"WHAT?!"

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And then they were moving.

The two Links were being swept onward towards the light at the end of the ether tunnel. By a conveyor belt. Why didn't the ether just wash them away? Why did it need a conveyor belt? How'd a conveyor belt even get there, for Din's sake?

"I found you, Hero!"

And then there was Vaati.

Green stood defiantly, partly as a barrier between the sorcerer and Red, who was cowering behind him. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Making you die faster," Vaati replied nonchalantly.

"Nuh-uh!" A figure cried from the light. She was blocking the way forward, causing the conveyor belt to come to a screeching halt (how'd it know when to stop?) when she revealed herself…as Num. What, were you expecting Hilary Duff or something?

Vaati scowled. "Now, listen you, Link's race is run, and he's gonna die. Let him go."

"You're really dead set on his death, no?" Num sighed.

"YES!"

"Oh, really?"

"Yes really!"

"O RLY?"

"YA RLY!"

"Well then…" Num smirked evilly as she spoke, "I guess I'll have to call…_her_!"

Vaati recoiled back. "No! Not _her_!"

"Yes…_HER_!" Num cackled as she pulled out a cell phone. "Hello? …Yeah, I'm writing finally. You might want to get over here…. Oh, I'm possessing Link right now, so I can convince him not to die…WHAT?! Oh…oh God, that needs to be on a combo video somewhere! Mewtwo Suicide! Then again, when I play Zelda, the same thing happens…. Yes, you can bring your blasted signs! And no, no new agenda doodles…look, just get here! Mmkay? …Kay. Bye!" She promptly hung up. "Now, who's up for Dominoes?"

Green blinked. "Well, that was abrupt." Red shakily nodded in agreement.

"Heeeeere I am Num! Yeesh, aren't you impatient?" a new voice cut in.

"Oh no…Goddesses, no!" Vaati cried. "It's…_HER_!"

And thus did Silver Ferret enter with a picket sign that had Marth's face on it.

"Ummm…," Num began, "Ferret, you do realize that Marth's head is on that sign, right?"

Ferret sighed. "Is it so wrong for a fangirl to advertise her Bishounen?"

"And…you do realize…that the rest of him is sticking out the other side?"

"Well, how else was I supposed to get his face on there?" Ferret exclaimed. Marth just winced.

Green sighed. "Can I go now?"

"One thing first," Num said. "Ferret…see the Minish?"

SF's eyes grew wide and shiny. "Vaaaatiiiiii…" she murmured, as if in a trance.

"GO GET HIM!"

Everything went slo-mo as Vaati desperately tried to dart out of the path of SF's pounce. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!" His voice was deep and drawn out, like the ferret's battle cry, and like any slo-mo sound for that matter.

While the glomping ensued, Num hovered there, cackling hysterically. Lightning flashed, thunder rolled, dramatic music played, and Red was paralyzed with fear (which isn't saying much). Green, however, just walked away and back to consciousness.

And, like all mental arguments, most everyone had to clear out. There were two people who didn't, however….

One was Red, but he lived there anyway.

The other was Numdenu, who had a possession license, and had forgotten how to relinquish control of a body. Needless to say, this will cause trouble.

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Al: Well, since neither the Authoress nor Link is available for commentary, I'd just like to point out that the whole "Possession" shtick was completely random, and partly because Num wants a ready-made cliffhanger. (-mutters something under his breath sounding much like, "Lazy slut"-)

Eirika: And that's why I'M here!

Al: O.o The cliffy?

Eirika: No, the fact that neither Link nor Num are available. HAPPY FRIDAY!

Al: Well, aren't we hyper?

Eirika: YUP! Eph spiked my food with SUGAR!!!! YIP YIP!!! (-continues to yip like a small dog-)

Ephraim: What? I just wanted revenge….

Al: Uhhhhh… (-runs away screaming-) REVIEW!!! SAVE MEEEEEEEE!!!!!

**Fun Fact: **Chapters 3, 8, and 9 did not have any "Fun Facts".


	11. Flick Off!

Dang, this is old. Need to finish it.

Link: Any announcements for anyone, besides the whole Ed thing?

YES! I have started an account on DeviantART! Please check out my (crappy) work! Hey, at least you get a clear pic of what I look like now!

Al: Is that it?

HELL NO! I have also posted a new story, a Fire Emblem: Sacred Stones parody! Go check it out! Please? My MOM liked it, and she's tough to please!

Al: Mostly about the ewes in brassieres, though.

Oh, shut up.

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**Zelda Rockbell and Silver Ferret (2) vote for Edward Elric to flick Vaati off.**

**No one else voted.**

**THE RESULT:** See, if no one votes, it all ends in a total victory for one side, and no other gets even an honorable mention. I mean, only two people voted, and I had to get one over the phone. **_Let's all congratulate Zelda Rockbell on voting of her own free will!!!!!_**

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"…Link?" Ezlo ventured after an extremely long, unpleasant silence.

And, to the hat's amazement, the boy sat up and rubbed his head like nothing had happened. When he looked at the hat, however, the old Minish could tell something wasn't right.

"Are you alright? Please _don't_ be alright…"

Link stood up and looked at himself all over. "Oh…dang…how do you relinquish control of a body again? Ezlo? A little help?"

Ezlo's lower beak dropped as Link continued. "I'm stuck in here…oh, for floop's sake, HELP ME!"

"You're…" Ezlo stuttered when he found his voice, "…the Authoress!"

"Yes, I'm possessing Link and I don't remember how the hell to get out of here." He/she thought for a moment. "Maybe…I need something big and hard…like…like one of Garet's patented sledgekittens! Stay there, I'll be right back!"

"But I'm the hat!" Ezlo cried. "You aren't supposed to leave me!"

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"RRRRRRRRRRRRR!" Vaati rrr'd as he stormed around Hyrule Castle. "When is she going to show up?!"

"I'm guessing this has to do with that note you got quite a few chapters back," Zelda the Statue sighed. "But shouldn't we investigate that guitar?"

As if on cue, there was a light flash, like an electrical shower, except centered around a spot in the wall. The next thing, a door appeared there that did not exist beforehand. It opened with only a slight creak to reveal a short 15-year old boy with blonde hair pulled back into a braid, and wearing a red coat and _tight leather pants_.

Zelda sighed. "Yup, a cameo. I knew it."

Vaati blinked. "Who the hell are you?"

The youth promptly stormed up to Vaati, snatched the uber—kewl guitar, and gave the Minish the finger.

"I take it that was yours?" Zelda ventured.

Vaati scowled. "Well, it's mine now, shrimp! Now givvit!"

The boy glared at him. "…Short? SHORT?!?" He promptly brought the guitar down on Vaati's head. "I'M NOT **SHORT**!"

"Ow!…Yes you are!" Vaati rubbed his poor head. "DAMN, that hurt!"

"IT SHOULD HAVE!" the youth raged on.

Vaati huffed. "Well, mister Whoever The Hell You Are—"

"Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist," Zelda sighed.

"—YOU can just go screw yourself!" A pause. "Wait…his name is Edward…AND he's trying to flick me off?!"

"Oh, yes, you're soooo brilliant," Zelda said sarcastically.

"But what the hell did I do?"

"YOU!" Ed pointed an accousing finger (this time, not the middle one) at Vaati. "Take me to the Authoress!"

"…So I didn't do anything?"

"TAKE ME TO THE AUTHORESS!" Ed roared, jabbing his finger at Vaati.

"OWWW!" the Minish stumbled back. "FUCK, that hurt!"

Zelda sighed. "Of course it hurts, idiot. His whole right arm is steel. Now…why do you need to speak with the Authoress?" she inquired, addressing the shrimp with the metal arm.

"Well," Ed said (YAY RHYME), tapping his pointer fingers together, "I sold her a 14th century suit of armor on eBay, but instead of sending it to her, I accidentally sent her my little brother…so I'm trying to find him."

"Alphonse Elric, Security," Zelda recited nonchalantly. "He's fine. Quite enjoying himself, really."

Ed wasn't listening. "AL!!! Where are you?" The next second, he was being smothered by armor, and one could see Ed's hand poking out from underneath the armor…and giving Vaati the finger.

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This was…short.

Al: BROTHER!!!!

Sorry, too busy listening to Gackt. But at least Vaati has been flicked off to the max! XD


	12. Organization XII and a Half

Link: OHMYGODIREMEMBEREDTHISFIC!!!!!

Al: Hel-lo…

Ezlo: Hell no.

Link: …Okay, so I'm still possessing him. And? Fic time!

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Outside the Temple of Droplets, Link/Num and Ezlo were confronted with a floating figure….

"Guten Tag, kleine Verbindung. Ich heisse Gustaf. Ich muss mitt Sie sprechen. Sie musse—"

"B button," the possessed Link said nonchalantly. The dialogue promptly closed and the spirit disappeared. "Sometimes, the game mechanics can be very good indeed."

Ezlo blinked. "So…we're heading for—"

"The graveyard in Royal Valley." Link strode off…and fell in the water pitifully. "Dangit! Wish I could still float…."

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"He's…not dead."

"Nope."

Vaati's face fell. "I'm flicked off by a guitar, then a midget, then the reviewers go wild over it, and Link didn't even die!"

"Nope," Zelda confirmed.

"What else could go wrong?"

"I don't know, but this is the first update in over four months…."

"Shut up. Just SHUT UP!"

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Passing through North Hyrule Field, our hero(es) encountered something very…strange. Thirteen figures in black cloaks were stooped, and appeared to be…cutting the grass?

Ezlo stared. "Who the heck are these weirdoes?"

The next instant he was stuck to a tree by a kunai. "WEIRDOS?! Excuse me, but YOU'RE the weirdo here!" One of the figures in black—due to her body shape, she was probably the only female—had risen and thrown the kunai at the hat. "Hmph! What nerve!"

Another figure stood, holding what looked like two lightsabers in his hands. "Twelve. Get back to work. This is the spot. You are certain of this plan, Seven?"

A third stood. "Yes, Superior. If it is the same as in all other Zelda games, a heart should eventually appear if we cut enough grass."

"Yes…." The apparent Superior turned away and rubbed his hands together, plotting. "Hearts. With them, Organization Twelve and a Half will be WHOLE!"

Yet another figure stood and sighed, holding what looked like two giant keys. "THIRTEEN. We are Organization THIRTEEN."

"Silence, traitor!" The Superior turned on the one with the giant keys. "YOU are not supposed to be here!"

"Well, YOU'RE all supposed to be dead!"

"I can't take it no mores!" Another cried from across the field, and formed two chakrams in his hands in a burst of flame. He spun them around, then tossed them into the air. "BURN, BABY!"

Link/Num sighed. "Idiot. If you burn all the grass, you won't get any loot!"

But it was too late; the fire was spreading fast. "…Oh, shit."

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"MY CASTLE!" Vaati shrieked. "MY BEAUTIFUL CASTLE! IT'S BURNIIIING!!!"

"It's MY castle, not yours," Zelda scoffed.

"I told you to SHUT UP!"

"NEVAR!"

"O RLY?"

"YA RLY!"

"…TURNIP!"

"CHEESECAKE!"

"NAZGUL!"

"ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"

"WE'RE ABUSING CAPS LOCK!"

The fire was so scared of the weird purple guy yelling at the statue, it put itself out.

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"…Well, that was weird." The possessed Link commented. "The fire put itself out after destroying the field."

"Oh, great going Axel." Seven turned on the chakram wielder. "NOW how are we going to get those hearts? All the grass is gone!"

Link/Num seemed to be in thought. "Well…there are other fields, and other places. You can also get hearts from rocks, skulls, pots, and defeating enemies."

"See, Saïx? We're not screwed!" Axel said jubilantly.

"We were close, though."

"Aww, lighten up. We'll all get hearts soon enough."

The Superior jumped on the opportunity to butt in. "And with hearts, Organization Twelve and a Half—"

"THIRTEEN!" Roxas shrieked. "We are Organization XIII! THIRTEEN!"

"Silence, traitor!" The Superior turned on the youth wielding the two giant keys. "Not only for betrayal have you been demoted, but you are the Nobody of…HIM!" At his last word, all other members of the Organization not involved in this conversation recoiled.

"…Oh, come on. Is his name really all that bad?" Link/Num asked. "I mean, it's just So—"

"THE NAME WILL NOT BE SPOKEN!" Next thing, the Superior's lightsaber-type weapons met with the back of the possessed Hylian's head.

The good news was Num came flying out.

The even better news (or bad news, depending on who you are) was that Link was out cold.

"…Sora. He's Sora's Nobody. Live with it." Num harrumphed and turned away, oblivious to all members of the Organization, save Roxas, writhing in pain. Roxas, on the other hand, was just plain gone.

"…What happened to the kid with the big-ass key things?" asked Ezlo, the only one who noticed.

"Oh, he's got a cameo coming up in the Sacred Stones parody, next chapter." Num shrugged. "Now, what do we do with this lug nut?"

"…Throw him in the moat?"

"No, Ezlo. He can't swim while out cold, and we can't kill him."

"…How about now?"

"NO!"

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"Aww! But why not?" Vaati whined. "I want him to die!"

"Wow…cameos. So many…." Zelda was recoiling in shock.

"Ah, shaddup!"

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…Yeah. Real short and stupid, but hey. Review.


	13. Back on Trackish

Al: IIIIIITTTT'SSSS AAAALLLIIIIIIVVVVEEEEEEEE! (-gasps, falls over-)

Link: About time, biatch.

HEY! Respect the Authoress!!

Link: (-sighs-) So who can we blame this time?

Blame…KRATOSIROTH!!!!

Link: Huh whut?

Al: Genis is better.

Well, yes, in my opinion Genis _is_ better, but Kratos has more plot-ish stuff to his character. Thus, KRATOSIROTH.

Link: Huh whut?

Vaati: (-poofs in randomly-) Kratos, a la Tales of Symphonia. Bitch. (-poofs out-)

Err…yeah, so…enjoy?

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Ah, another peaceful moment. The trip to Hyrule Castle was bliss. Ezlo had dozed off, the castle guards were cowering from the fire….

Link was having a good day. Nothing to bother him right now, no sir! Just green grass, sunshine, and Zelda where he was heading!

And of course, this means something's going to ruin it.

It did.

And its calling card was the vibrating White Sword.

"_Hey, bitchface!"_ The voice came.

Link stopped "Who said that?!"

"_Dumbass! I'm in your head, DURRR!"_

"_Green, he…he's scaring me!"_ Red's voice cut in.

Link sighed and tried communicating via thought. _"What the heck is it?!"_

"_Get to the Sanctuary!"_ The new voice (Link also recognized it as his own) growled. _"And soon…or else Rose Red here gets his ears lopped off!"_

"Hey, hey! No flying body parts in my head" Link turned a corner into the courtyard. Soon, he'd be free…. 

That's when the sirens went off.

They were beautiful, those sirens, singing with clear, strong voices, luring listeners from near and far, like sailors to their watery graves (which is, in fact, what they're famous for). The enthralled guards came in the dozens from all around….

Guards? Shit!

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Vaati smiled at his handiwork. "Neatly bound and gagged. You aren't going to be saying anything, are you, Princess?" He was answered by muffled curses. "Ah, ah, aaaah! Such words shouldn't be spoken by ladies! Now, I'm just going to leave you like that…and you'll rot there. Deal? Deal! Okay, nice knowing you!"

And the door was shut on the hall closet as Vaati strolled off with a spring in his step and humming the Fire Emblem theme.

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Link strolled nonchalantly out of the cell he had been thrown in. Silly Guard and…Other Guard! They should know to lock the cells! Still, did it matter now? Just a short hallway to the Sanctuary, and from there, freedom.

He stopped when a purple shadow sprung by humming Fire Emblem.

And again when he heard muffled curses from a hall closet. Prying it open gently, he revealed….

"ZELDA!" Link proceeded to glomp and nuzzle the statue—much to her…er, muffled curses. "Mmm…what was that, Zel?"

"Mmph mrph mm!"

Link removed the gag covering her mouth.

"That's better!" Zelda's voice rang clear, startling Link. "Well, it's about time you got here! Now get me out of here and get going!"

"…."

"What?!"

"…."

"There's no Keese in your mouth, Link. Spit it out."

"You talk…."

"Yes. Yes I do. On the other hand, I cannot move. So if you would…?"

"Will your skirt fly up?"

"No."

"Damn…."

"LINK!!!!"

"Alright, alright!" Link hoisted the stone princess and started off, passively bashing in a guard's head with her as he went.

"OW! LIIINK!!!!"

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The fairy fountain in Royal Valley was especially dark. Maybe that's because it was behind a bomb-able wall that shut out what little light there was. And deep inside….

"…Luke, was it? Will this be a five-minute session or a course?" an impish Twili asked from her perch on the edge of the fountain.

A redhead cameo with his abs showing answered. "Oh, just the five-minute."

"…Are you certain?"

"Certain."

"No you aren't."

"What?! Yes, yes I am!"

"No you aren't!"

"I am! If I would have wanted the course, I would have paid the appropriate amount!"

"Or you may just be trying to cheat me out of the right payment."

Perhaps the sign by the bomb-able wall explained this…. "Arguments. 5 min3 Rupees. Course10 Rupees. Quiver UpgradeFree for heroes. Inquire within."

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Link: Laaame.

Al: I thought you were obsessed with Symphonia!

Tales of Symphonia, Tales of the Abyss, same difference.

Link: Still laaame.

Oh, shut it. I have school, I have DeviantART, I have a life. Updates are irregular, so deal with it, brat.


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